joining the gym

So you just joined a new gym and you're about to hit your first workout.  Don't expect to just walk in and jump right into your workout like its your old gym.  You're the new kid on the block and if you don't play your cards right you're going to be that one kid that's always playing 4-square by yourself at recess.  Your first workout is all about posture and trying really hard to look cool without looking like a try hard.  Follow this new gym checklist that is based on scientific facts (broscience) to make sure you'll be sitting with the cool kids.
Number one, make sure your gym doesn't say Planet Fitness or has any association to crossfit.
Number two, score a primo parking spot, this is your grand entrance and you want everyone to see you get all swagged up and take the stage before you get inside and realize you have no idea where you are even at.
Number three, the "I have no idea what I'm doing bicep pump".  This is accomplishes two things, you can scope around the gym without looking like a noob and you can grab a huge bicep pump before you walk around the gym and are judged extremely hard by everybody.
Number four, have a plan.  Don't ever look lost.  If the piece of equipment you plan to use next gets taken, don't panic and most of all don't stand around with your thumb up your butt.  This is the equivalent action to standing in the middle of the lunchroom with your tray in your hands counting how many friends you don't have.  Just jump on the nearest piece of equipment and start pumping out curls.
Number five, find the biggest dude in the gym.
Number six, make sure you're the biggest dude in the gym.  Some say that if you're the most successful person in the room you need to find a new room.  If you're the biggest dude in the room, make it your gym.
Number seven, maintain your hard face through the duration of your workout.  The key to looking cool is looking completely unapproachable like a rabid honey badger.  But when someone starts talking to you, you must become softer than a new born baby lamb.
Number eight, go heavy.  Even though there are no eyes on you and nobody even knows you're there, trust me everyone is looking at you.  You're under a huge microscope right now so give them something big to look at.
Number nine, pinpoint the spot in the gym with the best lighting.  There is one spot in every gym that has lighting like a real life Instagram filter, find this spot and do all of your lifts here.
And finally number ten, do some random show off workouts that have nothing to do with your current workout.  What ever your strongest lift is just drop down and do a set.  If you're hitting back but you can bang out 100's for dumbbell shoulder press go for a couple sets.  If you can hit up muscle ups like its no one's business then what are you waiting for?
And always remember #RepsforJesus